The Very Special Olympics 2014

Luke Smith

Odds - 3:2

What is there to say about Luke Rupert Smith that hasn't already been said. There's no denying his pedigree in this most august of events. He is clearly the best to ever don whatever terrible stylish t-shirt Gordo has designed that particular year. If you're looking for weakness though, you're in luck. Beyond a savagely receding hairline there lies several key weaknesses... wait, I was thinking about Rob. Luke has no flaws. ABL anyone?

While Luke is still the youngest athelete at the Games, he can do nothing to prevent the inevetiable sign of a man drinking his way through his 30's. Now sporting a belly and a consitstently belligerent attitude when drunk, some bookies have suggested that 2015 may be the year that we witness a decline in form best compared to that off fat Paul Gazcoigne (or Ian Beals when he lost his chippy and was about to hit rock bottom).

Gavin Fulcher

Odds - 2:1

Gavla is surely coming into this year confident. He's in Love, he's got a job and he's been in training for 12 months. Basically, if he doesn't win this year, he may as well retire and become a sculptor...

Controversy is never far from Gavala. Whether it's snapgate or girlfriendgate, Gavin knows how to leave his mark at the VSO. In 2015 the VSO committee was appauled to receive a formal email from Gavin attempting to influence the committee to remove 'Jesus on a Cross' which he was struggling in training with. In his own words; "I feel that shorter competitors, with shorter arms, are at an advantage to lifting the same weight. May I suggest that the weight calibrate with the height of the competitor or it be scrapped from the days events all together” – True Story!

Gavla's weakness is not only getting the WAGS protocol wrong but his ability to snap under pressure. Banjo-string to ham-string, let's hope he doesn't snap again this year.

Rob Fulcher

Odds - 3:1 (Really?)

Another year has passed. 12 more months of the VSO's founder Sepp Blattering all over the VSO committee; doing everything in his power to ensure the event is perfectly catered to his strengths. This year, sees the Robert Mugabe admirer mastermind a switch in afternoon venue for the first time in the history of the event.

This genius and cunning maneuver, combined with the confidence of finally beating his wife's PB at the Fairfield 1/2 marathon, will mean his eye is firmly fixed on first place in 2015.

Another year has passed. That makes 6 (SIX!) years since the VSO's founder has lifted the trophy (without Pete's 'David Ngog scnoz' also glaring back in the reflection). Winning will only be made harder by the unreliability of his most important VSO asset - Grumpy Gordon!

The VSO's independent adjudicator and miserable old sod has reached his wits end with Fulcher's high demands and horrendous bonus scheme. There'll be no favours this time around and any victory will be very well earned, if soaked in conspiracy.

Peter Healey

Odds - 4:1

The VSO welcomes back former champion, TouchyFeely Peter Healey to the Games after a one year absence

Healey won the respect of his fellow athletes during his rookie year where his rockstar sexploits on the eve of the VSO were only matched by that of his rockstar exploits in the field as he took the gold medal at the first attempt. Following the victory, Daley Thomson was quoted as saying ‘He's an awesome new talent - you just can't teach that shit'.

On Pete's previous 3 outings he has always managed a podium finish, however, while his competitive nature will stand him in good stead, he'll be hoping for a very bad day at the office from his fellow athletes if he's to match his previous year's performances.

It's clearly been a tough 2 years for the former champ as marriage and children have taken their toll on his weight, looks, chat and tolerance of alcohol.

In consideration of his fading looks and athletic ability, bookies have marked Pete only as a threat to the mid tablers.

Perhaps the silver lining to his early entrance to middle age manhood is his now uncontrollable narcolepsy. Willingly or unwillingly, Pete will likely be well rested for the VSO this year.

Pete was not available for comment but his manager, Hannah Healey Shouted; "I told him this would be his last VSO, he's a Dad now and needs to take responsibility for his baby'. He better f*cking win. C*ck!"

Vishal Dheiman

Odds - 5:1

Please welcome, Vishal Dheiman. In his first ever appearance, Dheiman brings county level table tennis (West Midlands), a sub-12 second 100M sprint and an Uber Driver rating that will blow your mind! With a decent afternoon, strong all around morning and aerodynamics rivaled only by Peter Healey (and Gonzo), expect this confident Kabadi King to compete for the greatest prize of all.

While this brown Brummy may be new to the VSO, many will instantly recognize him from his bedazzled victory at the 2014 Eurovision Song Contest. Fame and an inexplicable self-confidence may be this newby's only obvious weaknesses. Will he perform on the day? Will the pressure beat him? Will he drop us all off in his Halal riddled cab at the end of the night? Time alone will tell, but the bookies expect him to feature somewhere on the podium.

Tim Smith

Odds - 6:1

Perhaps a stranger to the VSO, but Sprowston FC's Clubman of the Year (1996) is no stranger to winning. In fact, his commitment to building his work schedule around the 4:30 pm daily showing of 'Countdown' helped earn Tim the Pub Quiz title "Rain man" (among others). Expect him to keep the middle of the pack warm in the morning, feature more heavily in the pub and finish comfortably mid-table.

The form guide suggests an early commitment to training was soon forgotten and the Twittersphere has erupted with rumors of sun kissed vacations, women (woman), and the life of luxury in his new home above the Grosvenor chippy, in downtown Norwich, the Manhattan of East Anglia.

What the form guide won't tell you is just how little Smith Senior will enjoy any defeat at the hands of his younger brother; 2 times VSO champ and philanthropist, Smith Junior. Tim will need to put family ties aside to usurp Junior and claim the coveted trophy.

Mark McNerney

Odds - 7:1

In 2014 Mark showed the world that underneath the fat suit, there lies a man still capable of performing at the highest level. In 2012 we saw Mark throw in one of the best afternoon session's of the VSO. In 2014 McHeartburn pushed Luke Smith in the morning to come 2nd. Could 2015 be the year that this former Ironman can pull both disciplines together and shock the world once again by rising to the top?

Current form would suggest a podium spot hinges on his ability to have a good afternoon.

As his hairline and fashion sense suggests, this is a man that's passed his best. While Mark has often been heard slurring outlandish claims of a potential victory at the 2015 Games in the pubs of London, Bookies say it would be a foolish man to put money on BGM.

Warren Porter

Odds - 7:1

Warren was heading into this year's VSO challenge as one of the leading contenders until an unfortunate accident involving a mountain bike and a savage pack of Northumberland Hedgehogs landed him in hospital with multiple injuries.

Now on the road back to recovery, his sytrongest event will be the 2 mile run, having already broken the prestigious 40 minute mark in this year's Manchester 10K. Weakness remains in his table tennis ability after failing to qualify from the group stages in a recent very amateur table tennis competition in Manchester, whilst rumour has it he employs the controversial ‘dribble as much down your shirt as possible' technique in the fastest pint downing competition (Bennett, pay attention).

A lot will depend on his alcohol consumption the night before, but on top form he could be a serious contender this year.

Jay Freeman

Odds - 8:1

The bloke from Basingstoke is in fine shape coming into his debut VSO having hit the gym hard in the lead up to the games. Favouring the Rockstar training method in his home of Amsterdam he has also undertaken a strict diet and cut out alcohol all together (something everyone around his is also grateful for). Speaking about his training: “When I'm not building my business I'm building my muscles. When I'm not building my muscles, I'm back to building my business”

In a recent GQ interview, Jay spoke about some of his influences in life;

“Who do I look up to? I'd have to say Gandhi, Mandela and Craig David. Gandhi, because he watched what he ate. Mandela because he's got a very similar style of leadership to myself – I'd loved to have got the opportunity to have worked with the man. Craig David because he's a man who appreciates the importance of looking after yourself. "

The Jamaican bringing home the bacon is hinged entirely on mental strength - only once has a rookie taken first place in the history of the VSO. Solely with this in mind, Bookies would have 'Jay Freeman Covered in Seman' finishing in 4th or 5th. However, bookies, his wife, friends and families also know that where booze is concerned, Jay will be at his most vulnerable. As such, Bookies see Jay only as a threat to mid-table.

Most Likely to; Sleep on a park bench the night before the VSO.

Will Townsend

Odds - 9:1

New York is a long way from Walford, will the bright lights intimidate this little Eastender? Will Townsend joins the VSO this year as an untested athlete in this elite arena. His strengths lie in his sheer aero dynamics and the fact that he never quit (and by ‘never quits' we mean he'll probably just head straight to Wilfies).

Will's Rookie bebut has had one VSO vetran quaking in his boots after a recent test of fitness left Dan Bennett wondering just what the Ginga Ninja might be capable of on the day. In Dan's own words ‘This little Mondeo fixing, Queen Vic loving son of Albert Sq is surprisingly quick'

Could this be another year that the VSO witnesses records smashed and another Rookie sealing victory??

No.

Nick Maddison

Odds - 10:1

The Bear returns for his second VSO, armed with his 2011 experience that taught him what it takes to finish second (from last)... someone else has to get injured.

Madda will be looking to make use of his natural explosive power and aggression, with sprint and jump events being favorite. Arriving to the Island in peak physical form not seen since he was 17... a strict twenty year routine of beer and sci-fi box sets has finally paid off. Expect a theatrical performance and the occasional world beating excuse from this all round all rounder.

If sweating, headlocks and chest beating were events in VSO 2015, Madda would be favorite. They're not. He's not.

Madda's focus is now on the only thing that really matters to champions - not to come last.

Matt Stocks

Odds - 10:1

PE Teacher by day, Mr Stocks is undisputedly well positioned as he looks to face off against the lazy office workers in the VSO's morning physical events.

Not unafamilar with ball sports and pub games, this rookie could potentially upset a few of the afternoon evets.

Fun Fact: Did you know that Matt was voted the 19th most handsome male teacher by the girls at Chorlton High School in Manchester in 2012?

Being one of the smallest atheletes in this years VSO, bookies question whether Mr Stocks will have the strength required to get out of bed after a few beers from the night before.

His lack of tolerance for alcholol is a running concern for bookies, with ladbrookes expecting a disasterous afternoon owing to it.

Most Likely to;
- Come last in the pint downing competition
- Moan (just in front of Bennett)

Jayden H.

Odds - 10:1

Now a veteran, Jay Robot knows this event well and reports have it that he has been in serious training. After last year's humiliation of finishing last, Jay has spent the last 4 months wrapped in cling film and bin bags and has managed to shed 40lbs.

At his fighting weight, Jay is not unfamiliar with setting VSO records in the morning events and the bookies feel it would be foolish to write the robot off this year.

2014 was the year that saw Jay being overtaken by an 80 yr old woman along the East river as he puffed and panted his way over 2 miles. His transformation would have to be of epic proportions to make a dent on the VSO elite.

Form also suggests that Jay's afternoon performance will be his Achilles heel. Online betting shop, Betfair, best summed it up in their form guide published earlier this month; "Jay displays the level of hand-eye coordination tantamount to a 4yr old girl. Frankly, we'd give the 4yr old girl better odds."

Dan Bennett

Odds - 11:1

The 2014 VSO will be remembered for two things - The first ever solo retention of the trophy, by arguably the greatest VSO competitor of all time and 'Spillgate'. But not even 3+ hours of sulking about Gavin's spilled pint could deny this heavyweight his deserved place at the very bottom of the podium. A taste of the glamorous VSO Committee lifestyle has this former porker more motivated than ever. With the help of a personal trainer and a bedside photo of his doppelganger Duncan Goodhew, Bennett now proudly boasts his lowest ever body weight (265 lbs)

2014's sweet smell of success (infused with Sambucca) led to imaginative promises of victory in the 2015 VSO! In a tragic, but somewhat predictable turn of Salazar-esque "events", reports are pouring from Wolford's Arches of "injuries" that will no doubt inhibit his morning.

But remember, this is the ultimate 'Rags to Riches' tale; from 2009's chronically obese and large breasted, last placed, booby prize blouse wearing embarrassment, to 2014's deserved (bottom of the) podium presence. Is the loudest man in New York headed back to boobies?... This pundit says, "YOU BET YOUR SWEET A** HE IS!"... No, but seriously, he's likely to lose.

Roddy Salazar

WITHDRAWN

Owing to an injury to his vagina, Roddy will not be participating in this year's VSO.